This post is on loosely based on my travels and it’s more personal than most posts I make. My travel entries cover what I did and who I meet this one covers what I’m feeling and hoping to get out of this trip on an emotion and maturity level. This trip has been a chance for me to get away from my family, friends and the normal distractions that cause us all to lose focus on really important things. For me I need to find out or rediscover who I actually am. I’ve had many things shape my life, good and bad. I think that the bad has had too big an influence, the lies, the disappointments and the deceit.
In many ways I didn’t really have much growth in my latter teenage years, I didn’t really even start to question who I am. Here overseas, by myself, I can ask these questions when I’m sitting be a canal, or sitting on the bus. I’m a person that needs focus in my life. I’ve lacked it to a degree recently. What do I want? Is it a family, a partner, is it financial wealth, what ultimately would make me most happy? Sometimes I’m my own worst critic. I’m discovering that I can actually connect with people at least on a basic level and that I should have a little more confidence in myself in social settings. I’ve also discovered that I’ve been hiding some of my true feelings over the past few years, hell probably over the past 10 years and that this is not a good thing.
People are both better and worst then I’ve assumed in the past, mostly better (getting robbed colours the view a little). So what are the answers? I still don’t know. I do know that it is time to move onto the next stage and stop waiting for something to happen. Time to stop being afraid of change and to start taking risks. On this trip I’ve taken some risks; bungy jumping (I have a height fear), being more open with strangers, trying drugs (Amsterdam obviously), and partying a little. The net result is some of these risks made me a happier person. This is a path I believe I much continue to explore. I’m only 32 years old but it’s about time I changed a little. Maybe I’ll lose some friends or I’ll be less financially secure but hopefully I’ll gain something more valuable…. happiness.